Lost

i need to write this (and post it) before i lose my nerve. That said, here it goes...

I've been struggling with what I call Mommy Depression (MD). Now, I'm no expert on depression. As far as I know, i've never been depressed. Sad? Sure! But never so depressed that I felt i couldn't pull myself out of it. But lately i've been feeling as though I've been distancing myself from my life. It's as though I've been living an "out-of-body" life - it's parallel to the real one. I can see myself waking up in the mornings, I can see myself go through the mundane routines of fixing breakfast, picking up, baking bread, lunch, laundry, etc. But my true self isn't really there. My true self is floating around in a cloud: lost.

I've been reading the blogs of a truly soul-sister of mine, and she writes in her blog of her recent struggles with her PPD. She's bluntly honest about it and it's so refreshing! It makes depression sound like a common cold that anyone can have. I'm not trying to make light of her experiences!! She still struggles a lot with her life and keeping control of it. But she's begun a personal crusade of UN-tabooing depression. I love it. And through her experiences, I've been guided to the conclusion that perhaps my disconnectedness from life could be depression.

Let me tell you a bit about depression. Anyone can do a quick Google search on depression and tons of sites pop up. I personally like the layout of WebMD and use it for my research. (Click here for WebMD info on Depression). Following is a list of the most common symptoms:

• Fatigue or loss of energy almost every day.
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day.
• Impaired concentration, indecisiveness.
• Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day.
• Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day (called anhedonia, this symptom can be indicated by reports from significant others).
• Restlessness or feeling slowed down.
• Recurring thoughts of death or suicide.
• Significant weight loss or gain (a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month).

I realize that i shouldn't jump the gun and simply self-diagnose... but enough of the symptoms mentioned in this list were applicable to my life for me to take a second look at myself.

Let me be honest... I can't understand how I got here. I have a blessed life with a wonderful, caring husband and 3 gorgeous kids that are healthy and intelligent. I don't need to work because my husband earns enough for me to be able to stay at home. I have a laptop, a cellphone, a washing machine, a car, etc... the list of blessings is super long! So why am I so deflated and strung out over my everyday life? I wouldn't worry so much if I was single and didn't have a hubby and kids to care for... but THEY are the ones who get the brunt of it all... my aggressiveness, apathy, tiredness, impatience, etc.
Taking to heart some of my blogger friend's advice on what worked for her (on the non-pharmaceutical side) I went for a walk today and tried to reconnect with my old self and with God. He spoke to me through a song on my cellphone Running Playlist. The group Avalon has a song entitled Oxygen. Here are some lines from the part that moved my soul...

I take each breath as if it is my last// You never know what came so slowly could leave us// I take each step as if it is to You// I hear Your voice I feel Your presence In everything I do// My soul sleeps,// Your love revives// Our hearts meet// And I know I'm alive// You are my oxygen 

I breathe You in// I breathe You out// You are my oxygen// You are my love// You are what life's about

As I listened to the lyrics, I felt God taking possession of my entire self. I BREATHE Him in and out... He is my life and what my life is all about. There I am jogging my 4kms and every time I pulled in a deep breath, I could feel His cleansing breath melting away parts of the bitterness and stress i'd unknowingly held inside for such a long time.Little by little I felt Him purifying my soul, my heart and my mind. "I take each step as if it is to You..." I'm still jogging and feel myself getting closer to His grace. I feel the heaviness of sobs rising up within me. I feel my chest tightening and the corners of my eyes pricking. I'm a sight to behold! Tears roll down my cheeks as I "take each step closer to Him" and "breathe Him in and out" til i finish my jog.

It's not magic. I'm not all better. But i DO feel lighter. I DO feel more of my old self is back. Iris (my friend) says she stuck to routine to pull herself through. Of course, there are tons of other great tips she gives... but I'm going to go one step at a time.

Step 1: No more hiding out. I've posted this and you are all now in the wise of what's going on. I'm NOT asking for pity and i'm not asking for encouraging words (although they are also welcome). I'm not trying to have a pity party. I simply want to begin to free myself from my hermitant, depressive slump by acknowledging it exists.

Step 2: Activity: Return to my jogging rhythm I gave up some time last year.

Step 3: Seek God: Breathe Him IN and OUT

Step 4: Routine

It seems like a simple plan... I'm hoping it'll work. :) I already feel a little bit better. Tell me how it is with you? How did you get out of your slumps?

love,
C

Death Hurts

[Sorry for the messy writing...]

Death comes to everyone at some point in his/her life. Sounds pretty obvious, right? But maybe it's not so obvious to certain people. I'm thinking specifically of ambitious people (the good and the bad) - people like Hitler, Pilgrims, Mandela, Chavez... even Jesus! All these people (in their own ways) were/are ambitious people. All seemed to want to live or exist in some form eternally - not always a bad trait...

My point: 

The news is all over Chavez these days... his recurring cancer and unending treatments. The current news says that he's in an induced coma, but that his condition is so bad that his family has been encouraged to think about the benefits of "unplugging" him. This is what a Spanish newspaper says about the entire situation... (it's in Spanish). 

I'm struggling slightly with strong comments i hear all over the media and also in the Christian world that he (Chavez) "got what was coming to him." That he's been so oppressive to his people and an evil socialist/communist,  that his reward could.never be good - eventually he'd meet his downfall. And perhaps he has... But that's not my point. 

My point is that, apart from being who he is, Chavez is a man who is terminally ill. He is a man who knows that something is eating at his body and that eventually it could get the best of him and he could die. He is undoubtably afraid, anxious, lonely, etc. His family is drawing close to him in his "final hours" to offer comfort and presence. 

Comfort? HE doesn't deserve comfort! He's done so much harm to so many people! the whole world is pretty much holding its breath awaiting the news of his death in order to celebrate. 

My thoughts are pulled to the book of Matthew chapter 5 vs. 45. These are Jesus' words in a section entitled "Love for Enemies"...

"He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous."

God is God to ALL... to those who do His will and to those who live their entire lives persecuting the faithful. Just because Chavez has apparently done no good, he is not far from God's grace... therefore i mourn for him and for his grieving family who will be losing a father, brother, uncle, son... it doesn't matter who you are or what you've done... death hurts.