Lost My Cool =S

I lost my cool today.

For those of you who know me, you know that losing my temper isn't something that happens very often. Most of you have never seen me truly upset. I'm a pretty even-tempered person who tends to strive to keep the peace with pretty much anyone who comes my way. But today... I'm honestly and profoundly ashamed of the monster that came out of... well... i'm not sure where he came from!

Academically speaking, today was a very important day for me. I have finished my course study to receive a Bachelors in the Science of Nursing (BSN or aka Licenciatura en Enfermeria). All that I have left are the 3 big reviews/examinations.

         (1) Defense of Community Service (Defensa de Pasantia Rural)
         (2) Verbal Exam w/ a representative of the Ministry of Health
         (3) Defense of Thesis Paper

Today I did #1. This is also the only one of the three requirements that is a group project. The 6 of us graduation applicants went out into the boonies for a week in December to offer our expertise in health service. Based on our experiences we drafted up a brief report and a PowerPoint presentation of it all. Today, in front of the Directors of the Institution, the Chief Nurse of the local Health Center (Centro de Salud) of the town, the Chief of Police (Jefe Comisario) of the town, a Professor and my husband we tried our best to describe our experiences and results.

The Defense was supposed to begin at 2pm. We all agreed to be at the school somewhere between 12:15 & 12:30 to set things up and review the content of the presentation. I was late. I got there at 12:35. But not to worry! The next person didn't show until 1:15. I used my "alone" time wisely and set up the classroom that we were to use for the presentation. The floors were unswept, the chairs thrown askew, etc. As soon as it was presentable i tried to set up the laptop w/ the infocus. There was no extension cord.... then there was no adaptor... Once I had convinced someone to PLEASE get them... then my laptop wasn't compatible with the infocus. We used the school's laptop. Finally it was working. By then it was 1:50 and my classmates were getting their first look of the PP presentation. Easy as it was, they weren't too quick on the pick-up. I ended up going point by point through the entire thing, splitting up the slides between us all. I'm getting extremely nervous because there is only 10 minutes left til Start Time and my classmates are still familiarizing themselves with the content. To my profound relief, I find out that the presentation time has been pushed back 30 minutes and we all now have 30 minutes more to prepare.

Throughout this entire time, one of the women from my group has been stressing out about the number of snacks. She says that 50 snacks are not enough... only 100 will do. We have prepared 50 because this is what the school secretary told us to prepare. I even brought in a Banana Cake to add to the menu as extra padding just in case. "No-No-No! 100!", she says and insists I do something about it because it's my fault we don't have enough. I have no clue how this all got to be my "fault" since the food was never one of our pre-delegated jobs. Her chatter and insistence is non-ending... and... I.... finally... SNAP!

Oh my.... I'm NOT going to go into detail of all the words that came out of my mouth. At least I can be proud of the fact that no swearing came out (i don't even swear!!) but i reamed at her and gave her my 2 cents and 10 bucks worth. I'm thoroughly ashamed of myself and have profusely apologized to her, to my classmates and the Directors, secretaries and cook of the school (- all who were in the room to witness my shining moment - *cringe*).

Trying to make sense of it all I pursued self-examination and i realized that I had felt abandoned with all the prep-work for today's presentation. No one else lifted a finger to get anything done, I felt angry! etc... The list is long and i'm going to stop it here bc my purpose for this blog is not to detail the long list of transgressions...

I'm struggling to find God in all this. There's got to be a lesson. There's always a lesson! So I opened my mind and God guides me deep. I felt deep remorse for my lashing tongue. The SHAME! OMG! I'm telling you... I yelled at the lady! I wouldn't let her interrupt me! and worse of all.... I made her cry!  =(  and worst-worst of all.... my husband heard it all. I was so ashamed! I can pridefully get over the fact that my peers lose their respect of me... but my life-partner? I couldn't bear the thought that he'd be ashamed of me and my very public display of craziness. As I mentioned before, I apologized to everyone personally. And typically, in the end, I did the right thing. But my mind and my heart still felt so dirty.

I went for my walk/run seeking answers from myself and from God. At some point on the jog back home I realized that I'd apologized to everyone involved, but not to Him. With a contrite heart, I did that. I know that He forgave me - It's all about Grace & Peace, right? and then... He reminded me of one more person I had to ask forgiveness from.... myself.

Steve Green's starts singing on my Running Playlist and he's delivering the rest of God's message to me: (translation from Spanish)

    "Our lives are pots that are waiting to be filled//
    God fills them without measure bc this is His will//
    He fills us with abundant grace

Life Application:
I'm not feeling terribly worthy, but i am reminded that I am a pot that God fills by grace. He doesn't just use plain water that simply "fulfills" our pot-nature of holding water (does that make sense?). But He fills us with GRACE! Undeserved stuff!

So... even if I feel pulled down through this experience, I shouldn't let myself stay down. Rightfully, I deserve to lug around my shame bc what I did was truly hurtful and spiteful... But NO! God fills us with grace - the undeserved stuff that bad people don't deserve to get but do anyways. Through forgiveness, righteousness is mine!

Just gotta forgive myself... (*sigh*)

A great Sunday to you all!

Cindy

[If you made it this far in the reading... thanks for accompanying me through today's mucky waters. I appreciate your reading it and becoming a part of it all]